Reflections

Good morning;=)

Sitting here with my morning hair-do and a slightly tired face but actually I feel quite fresh. Got a wonderful stone massage yesterday and it was, just as last time, amazing;=) Thanks Takk!
After the massage I walked in the city stores all by myself to get some own time. Johan thought I could need it and yeah, it was really nice.

I tried on some clothes here and there and one thing I felt I want to write about is the thing with how we look on our bodies.

When I was a child I was thin and never ever thought of my body in the context of how I looked. My body was strong and I were an active child who always were out with friends chasing each other around.

Then in my teenage years the body changed and I got to be more curvy. Still thin but bigger breasts and a more female figure. Still I didnt think so much about my body, more than that my breasts were a bit in the way when doing sports.

When I was 21 I went to Balettakademien in Gothenburg and here is where my body anxiety started. We were two girls in the class who had more curves than the others. Most of the girls were ballet girls without any curves at all so of course me and the other girl stood out.

Right from the start I got to hear that I needed to "get rid of those hips", smoke more cigarettes and eat less. Every time I sat in the cafeteria after several hours of dance classes and ate a small sandwich, some teacher or the principal came and asked why I ate.

It led to that I felt like the biggest person in the school and when we had dance classes I almost couldnt look in the mirrors. Cause the person I had seen before, the thin and normal girl, now were a big fat girl who were just plain ugly.

But I was thin, I still were the same girl and I lost more and more weight and got more and more depressed because of the lack of food and heavy exercising.

I quit the school but still the damage was done and after that I never thought of myself as beautiful anymore. All I heard in my head was that I had to get rid of the hips, the breast etc.
And it is like that: if we hear something long enough we will start to think like that and even start to make it to be who we are.

After that I have never liked my body and always compared myself to the girls who are thin without any curves at all and longed to look like that. And that is just an impossible mission cause my body isnt ever gonna look like that. It will forever be curvy cause that was how I was created.

Think about it: what someone said 20 years ago has haunted me for all of those years! It´s important to think about this when saying something to another person in a critical way. If you say to someone that he or she is egoistic, bad at maths, fat, ugly, thin, stupid e g, it may be a forever prophesy for that person, even if he or she isnt like that. Words can get printed into us and make us look upon ourselves in the wrong way.

Today I have accepted my body and myself but it has taken such a long time and there are still days when I need to "push away" that bad negative thought that I am ugly and fat. And I do love myself today and my body may not be perfect and may never be either, but its MY body and it has let me live this life so far, being able to run, carry 2 children, jump around in a silly dance on stage and so many things I can do every day just because its a strong body;=)

How do you feel about your body and what do you say to yourself when you look in the mirror? Are you bashing yourself or embrasing yourself?

Let´s start a little talk about this, I want to know what you think about your bodies?